THE DAY OUR PALADIN WAS TAKEN TO MORDION GAOL
A True Story (Mostly). A Tall Tale (Entirely). An Eternal Legend (Absolutely).
Midgardsormr, Aether — On one Hot August Night, beneath the auroras of Coerthas and the hum of the Aetheryte, the Sweet n Sour Chocobo (NOmsg) Free Company hereby acknowledges — formally, proudly, and with only a light dusting of chaos — that Jade Ann Byrne, our Paladin, our cosmic eGirl defender, our long-legged bard of questionable wisdom and immaculate vibes, was indeed taken to Mordion Gaol by force.
And survived to tell the tale.
And then told it again louder.
All Live on Twitch TV!
THE EVENT IN QUESTION
On the hour of an hour that no one wrote down because who cares, GM Fyrazandiel — whose name is spoken only in hushed tones and HR paperwork — descended upon Jade like a flash of Limsa lightning.
Witnesses say the sky cracked.
Others say Jade’s glamour was too powerful.
Some claim she “accidentally invented a new religion in Party Finder.”
Whatever the truth, she was yoinked — not teleported, not summoned, but yoinked — straight out of her duty in Thavnair and deposited in MORDION GAOL, the mythical place where:
- macros fear to shout,
- sprouts whisper prayers,
- and glamour prisms are contraband punishable by eternity.
There, Jade Ann Byrne faced the infamous GM interrogation chair — forged from the melted hopes of RMT bots and the tears of people who spam-traded minions in Ul’dah.
A TEST OF CHARACTER (AND PATIENCE)
Reports differ on what happened inside.
Some say she debated a GM on the legality of /gpose while handcuffed.
Others swear she attempted to glamour the gaol outfit using the power of pure charisma.
One rumor suggests she tried to recruit GM Fyrazandiel into Sweet n Sour Chocobo NOmsg on the grounds that “we have snacks and a thriving interior design budget.”
But THIS we know:
She did not break.
She did not bend.
She did not /sit politely.
She Paladined.
RELEASE & RETURN
After what historians describe as “somewhere between 3 minutes and 3 eternities,” Jade was released — not because she was innocent, nor guilty, nor misunderstood, but because:
“She is one of ours.”
— Sweet n Sour Chocobo NOmsg FC Statement to GM Services, probably
Upon returning, she emerged from the Quarrymill Aetheryte like a beam of soft California sunlight, whispering:
“I will NOT be silenced. Someone open the housing menu.”
FC members cheered.
Linkshells trembled.
A carbuncle threw up from excitement.
HER PLACE AMONG US
Let it be written into the halls of Sweet n Sour Chocobo NOmsg — etched on the walls between the Company Workshop submarines and the treasure map corkboard — that:
Jade Ann Byrne is officially, eternally, theatrically one of us.
A Paladin.
A trouble magnet.
A poet of chaos.
A wandering eGirl saint in platform boots.
May her legend serve as a warning, a blessing, and an HR incident report for the ages.
SIGNED & SEALED
Filed and ratified this 18th Day of December, 2022
By order of:
Sweet n Sour Chocobo (NOmsg)
Midgardsormr • Aether
“Venimus, Vidimus, Vicimus.”
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